Lonely
"Those thoughts will take hold if you won't govern your soul." That's what I kept telling myself last night. I am at peace and I don't know how to be. When your life has been a consistent reenactment of highs and certain lows, you grow accustom to a certain type of living. Yet here I am going from glory to glory.
The more time I spend in the presence of God I see more and more of this world's true color. "Holy and separated", this is the true nature of a spiritual being. I find myself at the top of a mountain and I'm no longer looking down, I am consistently looking up. I don't see the fall anymore, I see the rise. I see the next mountain that's taller than the one I am sitting at the top of, but it's only up here.
That's the thing about glory to glory, when you are creating space for God to work the changes almost seem drastic. While you're in transition, things that use to fill the void just don't anymore. Doors are closed not because God doesn't want to give you what you expect, He wants to go beyond.
My mind doesn't want another marriage but my soul longs for another. My mind doesn't want kids but my souls is delighted around little ones. This is Ying and Yang, give and go, cause and effect. This is being lonely. Loneliness can be compartmentalized into two halves: what your body wants and what your soul needs. Sex, violence, drugs-these are the things the body wants to stifle your free mind. Intimacy, the ability to see someone hurting that you love and wanting to do whatever it is they would normally do to make themselves feel better. Wanting to know about someone's purpose for life. These are the things that delight the soul.
It's not about being comfortable it's about being uncomfortable and facing the truth about it all...
I'm lonely but I won't make decisions that harm my soul. I won't give in to temporary fixes. This is a test in my time of peace to see if I am ready to create enough space in myself for God to take me from glory to glory. This is an opportunity to do something that I have never done: face my loneliness head on and see that even though I stand at the top of this mountain looking to the next above me, I stand closer than I ever have to a life, wife , and kids WORTH having.
God doesn't your change situation, He changes YOU, because you possess enough freedom to change the situation yourself if you face what needs to be faced.
