I Am Not Okay

I've had three panic attacks this year. THREE! You know I've been through hell and back but I've never had panic attacks. High anxiety? Yeah, but never so intense that I lose control of my motor functions. I think I've finally reached my breaking point and by me, I mean my mind. For such a long time I've just kept moving forward because that's all I know. Pain is a sidewalk along the road of life (man that was deep).

But my behavior has changed, my comfortability has changed, and the way I navigate life is more survival than ever. I am NOT okay! My new normal is frantically shaking whenever I think about the future. It's a sudden rapid heartbeat whenever I acknowledge the truth. I rather eat ice cream than walk with God. I've become bed ridden when the thought of processing information arises. I think the biggest problem is acceptance.

In life, I have always been the person who can sort it all out. I'm the problem solver and my solutions normally play a big part in making me zen. I'm lost in a sea of unfamiliarity. There's a few questions that I've been asking myself:

1. How do I accept this new normal?

2. Is this a bad quality or good?

3. Am I still capable?

These are just a few. Life is full of events and moments that make you question who you are. Even the most well rooted people come across this.

I've lived life on Go and now when I pause it all hits at one time. It leads to unhealthy behavior, toxic behavior and the sad thing is I know better. We all do. Everyone is capable of good, but we choose what's easy. So here's my challenge to you: FACE IT!

Everything that you have ignored from the past that you try to avoid: don't. Your heart urges you for freedom. Your mind too. So take every step to give yourself a better chance at life. Yes, they hurt you, they left you, they betrayed you. Yes, you screwed up, you let these things happen, but you also survived it. Somehow, by the grace of God, you are still here.

So keep your head up, be encouraged, and know that you are loved. You are a member of the Free World: a world without shame, without fear, a world where being who YOU is expected. Be patient with yourself because everything is a process. Remember life is a marathon not a sprint. You'll make it through this week!

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