I Am The Worst

Hi Beautiful One,

So this month has been a tough one. School started back up, I started writing this blog, added on top of my fitness routine, clean eating, and therapy as well. Some would say that they admire the effort but there's a struggle in there that people don't want to see. As I said in my last post God's plan for your life goes beyond what you can think and control has to be given over. Life has to happen naturally and the more you give in to the free flowing life you can live, opposition has to come.

There's a negative voice that lives inside of me, honestly I think it lives in all of us. I've made so many mistakes, I've hurt people, I've lied, and I relive every bad choice everyday, but every so often that void of negative energy flows a bit more than usual. The enemy, Satan, the dark force, whatever you want to call it comes at a time when we are on our way towards what this divine experience has designed us to be. It's when we feel we are at our weakest that it comes to remind us just how flawed we are.

I stopped reaching for the sky and I started to reach for something higher. When I didn't see results I kept my arms outstretched and in time I started to see results. Every thing that I started to let go of control wise began to shift and life started to turn into something beautiful; that's when it came for me.

That's when I was reminded of my divorce. I heard my mom's verbal abuse. I dreamed of failure. It hit me, again and again and again. It sent me on a spiral down the rabbit hole even when I tried to catch myself. I got off of my workout routine and my eating and everything else just fell apart. Even at work, I took a loss even though I was told it wasn't me. Even though I felt like I could make it better at the end of it all I lost.

My mind told me I was a loser and there was nothing that could tell me any different. In fact I've felt like a loser my entire life. A loser wrapped in champion skin as if, "fake it until you make it," was my mantra. Today I feel like I am the worst but inside there's some glimmer of hope. It's as if I have the heart of a champion but the mind of a loser. It's as if the moment I sat in silence with nothing but the shower running water over my face that I could feel the filth being washed away.

I don't know about you but I am tired of this cycle. This constant reminder that the human being I used to be, that man who wasted his time trying to cover up his pain was at the front of every decision. I'm sick and tired of thinking that I'm not designed to win and you should be too. Yeah you screwed up back then. You hurt people back then, but right here right now who do you choose to be?

Let me state this plain and clear: this isn't a post where I search for redemption and I'm done asking for forgiveness too. I'm here to challenge myself and you this week and forever going forward:

Be as consistent in your self love journey as that negative voice in your head.

Be as tenacious in your healing as that stupid bad memory that tries to take you down.

Be as confident as that person who tries to make you believe you'll never change.

Don't be what they made you think you are anymore. Don't be what you used to be. Be who you were designed to be. There's a reason why you're still here and there's a reason why you keep getting up. Don't let the Sun set another day without shining along side it.

We are champions and it's time for us to show up to this fight with every ounce of heart that we have. And when you're afraid do it anyway.

Keep your head up, be encouraged, and know that you are loved. You are a member of the Free World: a world without shame, without fear, a world where being who YOU are is expected. Be patient with yourself because everything is a process. Remember life is a marathon not a sprint. You'll make it through this week!

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