Keep Going

Hi Beautiful One,

Today I felt like shit. It was anxiety on the same level but anxiety that attempted to incapacitate my will to move. So many things go through my head but most of the time it's my imaginings of where I want to be as opposed to where I actually am. I feel led to talk about three joy killers: jealousy, envy, and comparison because I have dealt with all three today. I'll be 29 years old tomorrow and all I can think about is how broke I am and how I'm not having a party, blah, blah, blah. I'm single AGAIN and life just isn't what I thought it would be.

You see those friends with the kids and the marriage. You see the friends on the out of country trips. The photos of friends from memories of laughter. You can't help but look around at your own life wondering what the hell you're doing wrong. I remember being asked way back when I was 19, "What's the difference between jealousy and envy?" I remember my response, "Jealousy is an emotion and envy is an action."

You know what I've realized? For a long time there is a person that I have tried to be and there's someone I actually am. This year I made a promise to God that I will become everything He has made me to be and stop trying to be what the world wants me to be. That's hard, that is a hard transition. Everyone wants someone, everyone wants the smiling photos and the anniversary trips but timing is everything. Transitioning to better is a vulnerable time. I'm second guessing myself, I'm crying for no reason, I'm emotional and all over the place but progress is happening.

It's easy to be insecure but what if this time of loneliness is your chance to face the root of these emotions? What if this path to self awareness is a chance to see that you don't want what you see? What if this is the transition to become something you never knew you needed to be but have always been deep down inside?

All I can say is I've cried all day. I have legitimately laid in bed sad and lonely. And you know what? I am thankful for it. For whatever reason, for whatever purpose, I turned to God and accepted this emotion. I opened up my laptop and began to write this post because that's the lesson.

You are going to face EVERYTHING in this season of unbecoming. You are going to hear the worst thoughts about yourself. You are going to look at yourself through the lenses of fear, sadness, hurt, pain, and then when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, you're going to say NO.

That is my challenge for you this week: When the darkness comes for you, which it will, immediately look at reflection of yourself and see that YOU ARE STILL HERE. If you were truly awful, truly meant to be in the dark, do you think you would still be around? Realize how much you have survived and KEEP GOING. You are headed towards something beautiful. You are BEAUTIFUL and these things that come up are trying to stop you as you move FORWARD. Don't let it! Don't! Look in the mirror and see that what should have, could have, and would have taken you out didn't.

Keep your head up, be encouraged, and know that you are loved. You are a member of the Free World: a world without shame, without fear, a world where being who YOU are is expected. Be patient with yourself because everything is a process. Remember life is a marathon not a sprint. You'll make it through this week!