Shooting Without a Script

Hi Beautiful One,

I have been thinking a lot about the story of Moses freeing his people. Specifically how they acted after being freed because I find myself in the same mindset. After physically leaving Egypt they were free, but mentally ther were still in bondage. Have you felt like that lately? Have you freed yourself from some things, but still felt the weight of it in your mind? It's a tough transition to go from a place of shackles to a place where you can lift your arms freely. It is a tough transition to go from being told when you can take a vacation to telling yourself when you can. It's tough to go from toxic friendships that amplified your worst self to better friendships that hold you accountable. It is tough to go from being toxic yourself to learning how to be your authetic self.

All I have ever known is survival...but God is teaching me how to thrive...

For anyone who is on a healing journey, I think we forget to mention that it is not easy. This is hard. We post the results on Instagram and we put up that moment where we triumphed, but we don't talk about the tough moments. We don't talk about the moments of overeating. We don't talk about the pain of walking away from people we loved. We glide over it as if it didn't mean a thing. Well it meant a lot to me. I loved people that didn't love me. I hated my body and fell into a pit of self indulgence. I did and it meant a whole lot to me. Those moments shaped the man that's writing this right now. We grow into the routine of our dysfunction until it becomes a way of life that we are afraid to walk away from because functional is scary. It is!

I am scared of this stage of life...

I am finally an entrepreneur. After all the times I have given advice and told others to chase their dreams, I am here living mine, and I am horrified. I have no clue what I am doing, if I'm being honest. I have a circle of friends that are family, they hold me accountable and show me unconditional love that I sometimes don't know how to reciprocate. I have learned to give myself grace so now love is reentering my life in a way that I sometimes don't know what to do with. My old way of thinking is shifting and I'm always wondering if it's right to detach myself from those thoughts. I am living in what feels like a dream. I feel like an imposter and I sometimes go back to the ideals of the dysfunctional because of its familiarity. Isn't that wild?

After all I have done and said, I don't feel worthy of this new life

I am truly "shooting without a script". I am living in this moment of love that I have never experienced. I am smiling in this truth that didn't know I could smile in. I am seeing a new standard for life that I always believed for others but never believed for myself. I am attracting love. I am achieving daily. And you can too by being honest with yourself about this journey. I think we do ourselves an injustice by trying to appear perfect and sane during these times of uncertainty. I believe it is averse to our triumph when we can't admit our true truths to ourselves about how difficult this shift can be and is. It is in our truth that we can see our own light and embrace the love that we have attracted. In these moments we can find that light and love is possible when we face the shadows of our dysfunction. One step at a time, one day at a time, we can learn to allow this love to be our new normal. We can live in this functional way. Embrace the uncertainty, Beautiful One.

I want you to keep your head up, be encouraged, and know that you are loved. You are a member of the Free World: a world without shame, without fear, a world where being who YOU are is expected. Be patient with yourself because everything is a process. Remember life is a marathon not a sprint. You'll make it through this week!