The Abused & The Abuser

Hi Beautiful One,

When I moved back to Orlando, I thought myself healed. I thought that I was free from the abuse and the divorce. I thought I had a real chance and that I would suddenly be free from all of the pain my heart had endured. I was so wrong. I was so very wrong.

29 years of life. 29 years of bitterness and anger. 29 years of pain that I used as a crutch to justify my decisions, until one day things hit me. As you know I started theraphy towards the end of my last relationship and that lead to a mental health awareness journey I didn't see coming. Now, here at the end of my 20's I have found a me that I love, but it came at a price.

I recently did some research on gaslighting and found that I was gaslighting my last girlfriend. Me who wouldn't hurt a fly was hurting someone who loved me. As I dove deeper into the definition of gaslighting I found facts and phrases that brought tears to my eyes. It is a learned behavior. I began to spiral because I began to see where I learned that from. I began to see the abuse from every angle. I have lived my life laughing off my past. I have shrugged and smiled as I have told close friends about how I was abused. Their reactions always the same, "why aren't you upset?" or "are you okay?". I would normally smile and just call it life, but after reading this I saw the truth. Life was not okay.

29 years of spending my life trying not to become the monsters that scared me and I still became the monster. I still became the very thing I told myself I would never become. Unresolved trauma became my blood and reactions became my skin. I lived and breathed dysfunction because I couldn't see my dysfunction. I spent most of my life abused and hurt. I spent so much time broken, filling holes in my heart with temporary friendships, alcohol, sex, and relationships. I became toxic. I became them.

...but no more...

I am ready to end my 20's knowing that I can leave behind the boy that didn't know his father and acts out for the approval he'll never get. I am ready to start my 30's knowing that I am surrounded by boundless love and support. I am ready to ignite the fire with the spark that has caused me to fall back in love with writing, music, art, and poetry. I am ready to begin at this road that finally looks like an end. I have been abused and I have been the abuser. I have been many things because I failed to face the demons that lurk in the shadows of my soul. I thought the demons were the ones who hurt me, no, they were the things I numbed myself to. The thoughts that kept me up at night.

You have heard me say this many times: everything comes down to choice. We get this life and time isn't something we can get back. I know it's hard. Healing isn't easy beautiful, but neither is that desire you have in your heart for something deeper. What if I told you that life, your true sense of self and life, is on the other side of this choice? The you, that God created you to be outside of the pain and hurt is waiting. He is waiting on you. She is waiting on you. And all you have to do is face it.

You are not alone and I believe in you. Do this and find healing within yourself. Vibrate on this new frequency and give yourself your BEST chance. I love you.

I want you to keep your head up, be encouraged, and know that you are loved. You are a member of the Free World: a world without shame, without fear, a world where being who YOU are is expected. Be patient with yourself because everything is a process. Remember life is a marathon not a sprint. You'll make it through this week!