Will You Go Deeper?

Hi Beautiful One,

Today I woke up anxious. I looked over my life last night and saw the mistakes. I saw $100,000 worth of debt. I saw bad eating habits. I saw wasteful behavior and recklessness. I sat back and witnessed myself be led by every manner of self-indulgence possible. As you know by now, that led me to a sleepless night and an overthinking spiral. I woke up wondering how in the world am I going to recover from years of self-sabotage. How can I possibly be redeemed here? I woke up feeling defeated and crying my eyes out to God as if I had messed up all over again. My best friend text me asking if I was okay and my response was, "I'm scared that I'll mess all of this up again."

I have made many choices in life, I mean, that's what life is about right? A series of choices that ultimately leads us to purpose, that's life. Every now and then, a little reminder pops up that tries to tell me that I have not grown. It could be a trauma memory. It could be a collections notice in the mail. It could be a Snapchat memory. All of it leading me to think that I will never change. All of it there to make sure that I know that I was dirt and will remain that. It's a tough position to be in.

Position...

My heart is naturally positioned to think that worst. My mind when something goes missing goes to who I think stole from me or stupid me lost another important thing. My will is so easily broken by the emotions I feel. My fight is only when I am backed in a corner. These are the positions I naturally take. After all of the mistakes and abuse, I find myself still living through the eyes of that young man who carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. I still have moments where I am playing out a better life than the one I am currently living because the fantasy seems better. I meticulously carry out conversations that happened years ago, months ago, weeks ago, minutes ago! I position myself to fail! And when I start to reposition myself, I have moments like these.

It's funny how growing up I was told to watch my posture. "Don't slump in your seat, you'll mess your back up." It's interesting that we are told to sit up straight. Much of our natural world is so bound by our spiritual world as well. We think they are separate, but our posture reflects in the natural as it does in the spiritual. I take on the position of self-sabotage for many reasons. Not feeling like enough because I never felt like enough to my family and my mother. Feeling like a failure because I was told that I'm just like my deadbeat father. Not getting excited for the things I'm passionate because I was always called "overdramatic". My posture towards myself has been awful, but there's this quiet voice that says it doesn't have to be.

This year, 2020 has been the worst for our world but the best for my growth. I have watched people pass on. I watched friendships die. I have watched as racism and bigotry has divided some of the strongest groups of people. I have watched countries fail their citizens. I have seen darkness everywhere, but I have watched my own light be restored. I have worked my butt off to take control of my health. I found the center of who I am rooted deeply in the love I have always had inside of me. I reconnected with someone who I hurt and am actively finding healing daily. With God's guidance, I have repositioned myself to see that life may have been a burden before but now in this setting it can be a place of wholeness.

You see, trouble will always be around us, but we are not alone, you are not alone. Our position to our past, our position towards ourselves is crucial. Our position dictates our response and our response dictates our trajectory. On this road to healing, everything that could ever break you is going to come after you. Make no mistake, the enemy of your soul doesn't want you to heal because if you do, you'll begin to show others. You will begin to be a witness to others that no matter what comes, no matter what virus or natural disaster comes after our world, light can still exist and thrive.

On this road to healing, I ask that you continue to go deeper. I know it feels like change isn't happening. I know your expectations aren't being met, but I am begging you to go deeper. And to make sure you're not alone in this, know this, I am going deeper with you. We can become who we have always been deep inside. We can, not because we're strong, not because we have it all figured out, but because we position ourselves to. We are the citizens of the Free World. We were not born thinking the worst, we were born in love, and it's time that we reposition ourselves in that love.

I want you to keep your head up, be encouraged, and know that you are loved. You are a member of the Free World: a world without shame, without fear, a world where being who YOU are is expected. Be patient with yourself because everything is a process. Remember life is a marathon not a sprint. You'll make it through this week!