You Need You

Hi Beautiful One,

Let me just come out of the gate and say that my mental and emotional state has declined dramatically over the last three months. I am up one minute and then down the next. It is not fun dealing with the thoughts in my head. Not to say that I am not safe, more like I am not grounded. I built this sense of self that seemed so secure, but when the rug was taken from up under me, I learned that the ground I stood on wasn't so firm. There are constant shifts and I am constantly trying to find that sense of security. I think I go to the old ways too much when God is trying to show me the new ways. It is unbearable to think of how much work this all takes. It often feels as if it will never end.

I can't stress how important it is to keep showing up. I am sure in some post or another here I have said this very same thing to you. I'm sure that I have explained why you should too. Today I just want to type how I am feeling and perhaps process alongside you as you process your emotions too. I fell prey to my vices. More and more I ran to overeating and not working out and sleeping all day. It made me feel safe but also made me feel like crap. These vices we have feel like comfort, but the longterm effects are not great. It starts for me at the point where I understand that I am not fully solidified in my sense of self. That makes me vulnerable. That leads me to think in ways that are detrimental to my health. It starts with the thought that I am not good enough. This thought takes me to not feeling safe and then finding comfort in the old ways. The cycle of our previous sanity is actually insanity wrapped in comfort, but centered around fear.

I read that, "fear = interest" , that the only reason we fear is because we care; because we are so afraid to be ourselves and live in the vulnerability that we rather live in a false sense of security that we created as a reaction to the social hatred we received. Why? Why am I so afraid to just be? Of all the things in the world, I am afraid of myself? Have I heard that much hate from others that now all I hear is the self hate I repeat? Did you know that's what self hate really is? You weren't born into this world hating yourself! You learned that from someone who didn't like themselves and projected that onto you. You have recycled their self worth and now the cycle continues in you! Doesn't that suck?!

The work it takes daily to face that is exhausting! I'm not afraid to say it! There is some expectation in me that hopes that one day I don't have to do the work. One day I would like to take a deep breath and it just exhale knowing that the work is over, but I am beginning to think that's not how this works. So, now I am looking for moments of quiet. Moments of balance that includes indulgence, but at a safe pace because I need me. That's it.

You need you. You may think that you need to lose 30 pounds or you need shorter bangs, but what you need is you. In order to give you your best shot, you're going to need you and that means waking up everyday thankful that you are who you are. You have dealt with you for the extent of the life you have lived meaning that there's no one more suited to build you than you. Look in the mirror and tell yourself thank you because if it weren't for your strength you would not be you. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the love that you keep giving out to others. Not because there isn't someone out there who will love you but because you deserve YOU first.

Do yourself a favor, tell yourself that it's going to be okay. Take yourself out to dinner. Watch your go-to sad movie and cry it out. Do what you need for you, but don't linger because the you that is, is the you that you need, and in order for that you to be realized you're going to have to do what's uncomfortable. You are going to have to cling to the unfamiliar and let go of the cycle that keeps you from growing. There is a new thing happening in you. You are a revolution, allow yourself to occur.

I want you to keep your head up, be encouraged, and know that you are loved. You are a member of the Free World: a world without shame, without fear, a world where being who YOU are is expected. Be patient with yourself because everything is a process. Remember life is a marathon not a sprint. You'll make it through this week!